Thursday, September 24, 2009

What's the REAL truth?

“I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.” Sound familiar? We’ve all heard this line a million times in movies, plays or perhaps you’ve even said it yourself in a similar scenario. Is anyone as happy as I am that we don’t have to take this oath every morning before we start our day? You know - like in that movie “Liar, Liar.” What would happen if we were asked questions and one day spit out the REAL truth instead of the “proper” answer that we all tend to routinely repeat? Well, today is the day that I am going to come clean with some of my answers and introduce to you (once again) these so-called characters who always tend to ask the obnoxious questions:

Sara, Size 0, You’re my Hero… asks:
Q: Julie, why do you never go to any of the New York beaches?
A: I’d love to sometime, but unfortunately just haven’t had the chance yet.
Truth: Do you not see that I am boarder-line albino, I get red. I go to the gym… YES, but I’d rather be in bed. I hate crunches, therefore I wear spanx. A bikini isn’t sounding too good right now, but thanks.

Paula, Miss Perky, Zip it! You sound like a turkey… asks:
Are you ready to enjoy your workout today?
A: You bet!
Truth: Paula, honey, there is absolutely nothing I will enjoy about this workout. In fact, I am dreading it and would rather be sitting in a room watching paint dry. So please instead of asking me that… here’s an idea: Why not wait until I am making my exit, then suddenly pause as you see me briskfully walk by and urgently stop me and say (or shout, whatever floats your boat) “WHOA! Julie - Girl, you look like you’ve lost 5 lbs in the last hour! Holler! Your arms are looking more like Michelle Obama’s everyday!” Then my truthful answer would be, “Thanks! See you tomorrow!” Think about it.

Judy Walker, SURPRISE! You may have a stalker… asks:
Q: How did you know I got a new job?
A: Oh um… (insert long pause) you told me about it, you must have forgotten, anyway… congrats! (Insert: Fake a call on the cell and proceed to RUN!)
Truth: F*CK!!!! I’m caught. Well you see, the truth is, Judy Walker, I was drunk. I stalked your facebook profile last night at 2am, wasted.
Q: Are we even facebook friends?
Truth: Funny you should ask that, you see I stalked you under Jenny’s account – Whoops! You haven’t done that before? It’s totally normal, everyone is doing it. See you are friends with my ex and to stalk his page I have to go through your page. Hummm… okay, well… I just thought it was a great idea at the time and wanted to join in the excitement and give you the kudos like everyone else! Btw, that was a hideous pink tube top (who wears those anymore ps?) that you wore to that concert and who was the bearded guy you were making out with? Was he really taking body shots off you? You're 32 years old, you still do that? Bad decisions all around Judy Walker – shall we call a truce?

ALERT!! Dear Facebook, please do myself and every other intoxicated facebook user a favor and insert codes prior to logging on between the hours of 10pm-6am (perhaps like on Ticketmaster) to get fools (aka moi) off the thing. It’s addicting… and the next morning is the worst! Looking at your phone with one eye shut and the other open in fear of what you may have posted. Then suddenly realizing you “accidently” befriended someone with a note in which you would have never done sober & not only that, but you have 11 new facebook notifications– Really? Help! Facebook Anonymous???

Cheap devious Chuck, who skips out on a couple bucks… asks:
Q: Can my child have your seat? (sidenote: I didn’t forget to add “please” for this certain character there is never a “please”)
A: Sure
Truth: Hell no! Your little brat is almost as tall as I am! I paid 2 dollars for this seat! Why is it okay for little Sneaky Pete to go under the subway terminal and skip out of paying the fare? Then to make matters worse, this is an overcrowded train and now I have to stand and I can barely reach the pole when you didn’t even pay! H*ll no! Child Please! As Ocho Cinco would say! Can you tell I am furious? I think so.

Too damn jolly Miss Molly:
Q: Are you having a Happy Monday?
A: Oh yes.
Truth: Seriously Miss Molly? There is NOTHING happy about a freaking Monday and furthermore you have just ruined my Monday by that Patty Simcox greeting! Now because of Y-O-U I won’t get any work done because I will be going over scenarios in my head of what to do to ruin your Monday as well. Really? Really?

Terry the Tricky Temptress.. asks:
Do you want fries with that?
A: No thanks.
Truth: OF COURSE I DO!!! Is that a trick question? Whoever says that they really do not want fries is a complete and utter liar. Who doesn’t love the crispy delicious salted fries especially when they are transferred from the frier to your plate and burnt to perfection? There’s nothing better than that 1st delectable taste. Terry, this is just a mean question, in fact it’s down right cruel. In the future, please do not ask that question. Listen, if I didn’t order them please… just act like they do not exist or you ran out. This is for your sake and the sake of my a$$.

Boring Bree, you have nothing to say, now I’ll be on my way… asks:
Q: How are you?
A: Good thanks.
Truth: Do you really want to know Bree? Well, I’m so mad at myself right now. Last night (and this is a true story) I was on my way to the gym. I walked in the door for 5 seconds, then turned right around and went home. Technically I “went to the gym” doesn't that count? Anyway, once home I had a couple beers, I ate a pizza and didn’t wake up until I had to the next morning... even though last night I promised myself that I’d workout at 6am. Wishful thinking. So, I’m not good and I'm a bit hungover. Let’s just give each other the ever-so-kind head nod and be on our merry ways! No need to speak, to be honest we both don’t care what the other has to say.

There you have it folks! The truth is out in the open. You know, I kinda feel a sense of relief now. So I have to ask… What are some of the questions that you would love to give a truthful answer to in your everyday life? And don't forget: Remember to tell the truth and the whole truth and so….. SO WHAT!

Tuesday, May 19, 2009


Every New Yorker waits in great anticipation for that first real summer day in the city. Who doesn’t love to linger in the park with friends while reading the latest gossip magazines or just simply walking around the city enjoying the weather (and if you are me, eating Tasty D-Lite). There’s nothing better! Until “it” happens…. As I was lounging in the park reading my highly intelligent US Weekly, I saw “them”…yes… “they” have come out from God knows where and my thoughts suddenly turned from hoping that Britney does something crazy again (because I am so tired of hearing about that stupid couple from “Jon and Kate Plus Whatever”) to….WHAT is THAT person thinking! Does she not own a mirror? Is that guy seriously wearing those?

So I thought I’d take some time to share with you my observations on who these ‘characters’ really are that suddenly come out in the summertime...

1. Flo the Overly Excited Albino – Yes Flo, we realize you couldn’t be more excited to be out and about in the summer heat… Wahoo me too, cheers… but please do us all a favor and indulge in some self-tanner before you decide it’s a good idea to blind the world with your pale (borderline albino) legs. We all have the ‘winter legs’ but please just be weary who you show. Know that mini skirts are not meant for the pale. Here’s a brilliant idea, invest $9.99 in a full size mirror because if you would have seen your reflection before gracing us with your presence then I wouldn’t be blinded today. Self-tanner + long mirror = lifesaver!

2. Tess the Hot Mess – Tess, you should probably know that wearing less is sometimes not always the best! To all you men out there, listen to me, you must take the good with the bad. Yes, hot girls are going to wear less (wahoo for you!), but know this…. The not-so-hot girls will wear even less. Brace yourself. And to the women, please know that just because everyone else is wearing less, it does not mean that rolls are cool to show off either. “Ladies, leave the rolls at the bakery...” (as Michelle would say ;)

3. Midriff Tiff– Tiff, Tiff, Tiff, just because it is 70 degrees outside does not mean that midriff shirts are okay. To all my readers in case you are unaware, I must alert you that you will never see a midriff t-shirt stretched to the absolute limit. Those shirts can stretch! I mean it just makes me sit back and imagine… what the t-shirts are saying to each other as they hang off the rack at Strawberry. I’m pretty sure it goes something like this, “Hey Tiff, $5 says you get picked up by some broad that could play offensive tackle for the Giants!” “That’s nothing Patty, I heard that chick that’s been eyeing you over there is competing in the Coney Island Hot Dog contest next week!”

4. Slop on the Flip Flop Dot – Listen up Dot, I know how excited you are to wear those new silver Havaianans flip flops, I’m excited too that they made the thin straps, however please note Rule #1 of the summertime: Flip flops should not be worn without your first initial summer pedicure. It just shouldn't happen, it’s disgusting, Peeling nail polish from January + Toe Jam = Not Cool.

5. Shorty 140 – All women know that men are mucho more aggressive in the summer time. This is highly noticeable for the (as I like to call them as per Michelle once again) “Shorty 140’s.” Why is it that short guys automatically think they can get (or have a chance with) the short girls? Seriously Sir just because you are 5’2 does not in the least bit mean that A) I have ANY interest in you what-so-ever and B) would ever touch you with a 10 ft pole. I’ll never forget when I was in Dallas last year with my best friend Amanda and the shorty’s attacked us! Why Sir! Why! We had to run to another bar and escape, it was painful! Are you not getting the point Mister? This isn't a 'chase' or any fun, quite franklyI am scared of you!! We even ran to the bathroom and when we walked out sure enough - there he was waiting for us with a scary little smirk on his face. HELP! Police!!

6. Manny and his Mandals Dear Manny, why do you think it’s okay to wear those hideous mandals with the extravagant straps that basically look like sneakers with holes? No one wants to see your unpedicured feet and yellow toe nails! Not to mention you look absolutely ridiculous. I mean unless you’re going to be on the beach in less than 15 minutes, it’s unacceptable. If there is NO chance you will be walking on sand within the hour, do us all a favor and find alternative footwear. As the boyfriend says, “freaking Aquasocks would be a notch up!”

7. Bargain Betty - Oh Betty my dear, I love a great bargain just like you, but next time please do some research when getting that new summer dress that you think is a steal! Here’s an idea perhaps put your hand under the fabric and then put it up to the light… if it’s see through then don’t buy it! It’s that simple. I know that you can find some great deals out there, but buyers beware of the very thin fabric. It can just look terrifying to the rest of us! If you are going for that so-called “deal” then please, dear god, please chose your undergarments wisely. For the good of all man kind!

Well, I guess that does it for now. These are just a few of the so-called "characters" that I observed last weekend. What do you guys think? Who am I forgetting? C’mon!! You may all think I was a little harsh but I would call it honest. Gotta love the summer!
Ps - Michelle this blog is kindly dedicated to you. HA!

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Moving in with the bf? Read this 1st!


It’s been 21 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes since the bf and I took the giant leap and are now “official.” Oh yes… we are living under the same roof in Astoria, NY and believe it or not we are both alive to tell all and the apartment is still standing (oh and the names are on the mailbox, weird!). I already feel like I could write a book on how to stay sane while living with a boyfriend! To be brutally honest my book would be called, “Ladies, follow my rules in order to keep your freaking sanity, be prepared.”

Before the bf moved in I took to asking my friends Susie and Michelle for their expert advice. Sure the bf and I have been together for 6 years, but living together is a totally different ballgame. Susie’s 1st answer without a 2nd thought was plain and simple… “Julie get your own toothpaste!” (with a very serious tone mind you) She wasn’t kidding around! Then Michelle says, “Pick and choose your battles, oh and get your own orange juice, they drink out of the cartons!!” To be honest, that one took me by surprise because I am the one in the relationship that drinks from the orange juice carton and the bf calls me out on it! Oh no! Should the bf be writing a book on ME? EEK! Being the daughter of a librarian I can’t help but wonder if there is in fact a book, perhaps a guide to living a sane life with your significant other? A rule book to obey by, suggestions on how to maintain the fun relationship you once had because no matter what it changes... especially in your NYC shoebox apartment. I mean this person is going to see my secret single behavior (if he hasn’t already ;) and become accustomed to my personal ways (eek) which I am sure he is already, but everyday? Are you serious?

Now, I don’t claim to be an expert but below are the suggestions when moving in with your significant other…

Be prepared because you may think you know them, but you have no idea.
The certain comfort level that you once established is quickly eliminated once you let your hair down. When seeing your significant other in a more relaxed atmosphere the comfort level immediately drops and you start to realize that it’s okay see each other in less than optimal situations. We’re not talking about seeing your gf without her makeup on fellas… try seeing her with the mascara run down her face, in a fettle position not being able to move or leave the bathroom because of a disastrous night out before. But soon you learn not to bat an eye and you tell her she looks great with a straight face, now that’s love (not that I’d know anything about that situation ;)

Make all decisions together ESPECIALLY when it comes to decorating.
You know those friends you have that when you go to their new place with their bf/husband it looks like it’s one person living there and the other had absolutely no say what so ever? (Oh and not to mention, every freaking picture around the place is of them?) ALERT!! ALERT!! Do NOT do that!!! You are starting off new and the place should be BOTH of yours. Take some time to make sure you do it together so it shows off both personalities. My friend Kristan was the 1st person who told me to make sure I did this! I cannot express it enough… Make the decisions together! From how to decorate, to getting new furniture you pick out together so the place is BOTH of yours! Oh and please for the love of your guests include other people besides yourselves in pictures around the place, no one wants to see the mush everywhere they turn. Moving on…

The movies lie!
Women are not always as beautiful as they seem on TV. Check out the stars without make-up blogs if you don’t believe me! We do not always wear skinny jeans, low cut shirts or skimpy lingerie (let alone MATCHING lingerie). Contrary to popular belief, we do not wake up with make-up on… that takes effort. Effort sometimes we don’t want to do! So listen up gentlemen… please realize we WILL be in sweats, we WILL be without makeup, our hair WILL NOT be done (and perhaps not even washed, or maybe that’s just me… whatever!), and sometimes we won’t even be considered cute – just remember it’s inside what counts. Isn’t that what you told me late last night? ;)

Compromise on the huge flat screen, sharing is caring.
Gentlemen get ready to give up some PTI and get ready to experience the joy of House Hunters and E News! (it’s in HD, c’mon). And just realize at some point I promise that you will start to enjoy both shows and that will scare you at 1st, but it’s “love” (lol). Oh and as the bf just told me as some advice for you guys out there, “get ready to watch more than 1 Lifetime movie a week.” Hey, I watch the bball games, I realize March is YOUR month in front of the TV, but we play by BOTH of our rules now.

Get over it!
Like Michelle said, “Pick and choose your battles!” This comes especially true when that furniture delivery arrives. This is NOT and I repeat NOT a “bonding” activity or any sort of “fun.” Get over it, it sucks, there’s no better way to put it. It will be the most miserable 5 hours of your life together, just put on 90s music and drink beer – it helps ease the pain. Ps – This begs me to ask the question, since when does nice furniture come in pieces? What jerks.

DVR is God’s gift to couples everywhere.
It is without a doubt that DVR is the best invention ever on this planet. It saves so many fights! I can finally watch Gossip Girls in piece and quiet without the little voice besides me asking why Serena would ever go for a loser like Dan. Or why the “troll” girl is still on American Idol… or why Anoop ever thought it was a good idea to sing “Beat It.” Although I find myself asking the same exact question!

Hire a cleaning lady! Your best investment ever…
This will eliminate all of the banter back and forth…”you didn’t clean the hair out of the shower” (yikes, that was me!) or “you didn’t scrub the floors” blah blah blah… best money spent, do it today. You won’t regret it. Done.

Drop off your laundry – they do it for you, GENIUS!
The laundry mat washes your clothes you do nothing but drop off and pick up. Genius, utter genius. Sounds like a no-brainer to me! However, I will miss pushing the cart to the laundry mat with the bf and fighting with the Housewives of Queens, New York while asking the laundry attendant to pull out their clothes. Bravo should do a show on these women, forget the Jersey Housewives of the Mob - these ladies are nuts! They hog the machines and get into serious fights, it’s insane.

So I guess the moral of the story is, after all of the different habits are learned and both people are happy and accepting of each other, this can be the best and most fun move or as I like to say “adventure” ever (oh and the fact you don’t have to pack over night bags anymore is a major bonus). I think I answered the question the best when my friend at work (Anne) asked me, “What is your favorite thing about living with the bf?” And my answer was simple, “It’s so nice to have someone to come home to every night.”

Side note: Wow – that was mush and so not me, stay tuned for next weeks blog…. What the hell was I thinking? LOL!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Since when did I become a grown-up?

The dictionary describes a “grown-up” as having reached the age of maturity. When I think of a “grown-up” I immediately think of my three very close friends that I speak to everyday who are all married and either have kids or are expecting soon, but never before did I put myself in that “grown up” category until now.

So when did this happen? Did it happen so effortlessly that I didn’t even realize it? Was it when I moved to NYC and started paying my own rent and bills? Or was it when I started calling the doctors to make my own appointments? Or perhaps it might have been when I was no longer able to sleep in past 10am? Or wait a minute... It’s now! Well friends, the time has finally come, the biggest commitment of my life thus far… No, I am not pregnant, and no I am not getting married…. I am (drum roll please) taking the leap and moving in with the bf of 6 years (yes I did say 6 years, lucky man!) on Saturday.

It’s a really strange feeling… I’m very excited, happy, nervous, anxious and every emotion you can imagine all wrapped up into one! I’m not going to lie – I’ve loved my single girl life living in NYC especially nights when I come home drink wine, watch Gossip Girls and order in. Does that still happen when you live with someone? Or am I now supposed to watch countless hours of Sports Center and forget my vices that I cherish so much? Is it time to compromise and move on with life and celebrate a new beginning – am I finally a grown up?

So in celebration of the occasion at hand I thought it would only be appropriate to list my version of….

You know you are a grown-up when…

10. You were told after you graduated that you are no longer covered under your parent's insurance plan and that you need to get your own... what does that mean, doctors aren't free? I am so confused.

9. When you realize that the plastic drawers aren’t going to cut it anymore and you might have to invest in a real bedroom set and start wanting things to match! I never used to care! What happened! They still work…

8. When you come home from work and there isn’t anyone making you dinner and you suddenly start to realize that lean cuisine is considered gourmet food to you now.

7. When instead of catching all of the reality shows you’d much rather watch 60 Minutes and the news to catch up on current affairs. Seriously, I remember my mom doing that and I’d always BEG to change the channel!

6. When you finally realize you have to start paying back your freaking student loans! Enough said. Moving on…

5. When you open the mailbox because you are so excited to get your new US Weekly and all you can find are bills and suddenly notice that they are all addressed to you. So now instead of buying that new jacket you have been gushing over in the French Connection windows (that would btw look great on Friday night) you have to pay the dentist for a cavity filling! What!!!!! How is that fair?

4. When you get excited that you got a Kitchen Aid Mixer for Christmas and love using it every chance you get! (Thanks Mom!)

3. When you wake up after a night out and realize that doing it all over again is NOT an option. (HA! Thanks Kristan!)

2. When you get terrible hangovers after a night out. Back in college of course I got the occasional hangover, but nothing compared to now. If I have more than 2 glasses of wine I feel queasy the next day, what happened to me!!! Damn you tolerance!

1. When you realize that all of your high school/college friends are one or more of the following… engaged, married, have children or dare I say it…..have a mortgage.

So what do you guys think? When did you know you were a grown-up? Are you there yet?

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Why do women lie about their age?


Oh no it finally happened… All of a sudden in the past couple months I have found myself starting to lie about my age. I mean I’m not sure if it’s intentional but it’s definitely not honest.
For example, a couple weeks ago I was out with someone I met at a networking event brainstorming and he very politely asked how old I was and of course I was a little taken back. Really sir? Asking a woman her age, shame on you! Didn’t your grandmother teach you anything? So, I kindly replied with “27.” It just popped out I swear, very confidentially however with hesitation, not because I was lying about my age but because why would he ask? “I’m 27.” Then suddenly I realized – Wait a minute, that doesn’t sound right. Aren’t I 28… and soon to be 28 ½ on May 19th? And I didn’t believe myself so I started to do the math in my head because I couldn’t fathom that I was 28 years old already! AHH!! I could no longer concentrate on the task at hand and I couldn’t help but wonder…. When in the world did I turn 28 years old, I’m almost 30! When my mom was 28 she had 2 kids and was married. I’m living solo in NYC and lying to people about my age!! Who am I? On my next birthday am I going to be receiving those cards that say “well you’re not looking any younger” that I always make fun of? Perhaps I need to make an appointment for Botox! Do I need a face lift? Help!!

Then a week later it happened again!! I was in a meeting at work and suddenly taken off guard. For those of you that don’t know, I work in an extremely corporate atmosphere so you can imagine how uncomfortable I felt and how bright red my face turned when I was speaking and someone suddenly took me aside and said, “Julie, how old are you… really?” And I replied with a simple answer, “A woman never reveals her age.” Isn’t that rude to ask? When did it become ok to ask a person’s age? Especially at work! Are you going to start judging me when you do know my age? Here’s the thing, if I was going to tell you my age then the questions would start to trickle in……“So why aren’t you married yet?” “You’re getting old, might want to think about children soon!” “What do you want to do with your life?” Ahh!

Then I started to wonder, why did I start lying about my age? Some may say it’s the simple fact that in our society we value the youthful women and it’s embarrassing to grow old. Others may say we don’t want to admit we are getting old, but I say.... it’s no one else’s business!

So to put a stop to the madness, I have learned never to reveal my age. So what… I may be 21 on blogger, 26 on myspace, 24 on Twitter, 25 on Facebook, and on every birthday I miraculously turn 21 or 24 again (depending on the mood)…. But who cares. Age is just a number, right?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I hate it when ________ happens!


So, perhaps I’m just not having the ‘Best Week Ever’ or perhaps it’s the simple fact that when I logged onto facebook today I noticed that 399 of my 408 friends have “snow days!!” A snow day? Are we in 5th grade again? They are enjoying themselves doing absolutely nothing in their pajamas while I am slaving away at work. Not to mention that I made the long walk in the snow, sleet, rain just to get here and now look like I just returned from a war zone (guess it was a waste of time to straighten my hair this morning)!! I hate it when that happens. I am so extremely, ridiculously jealous of my friends who are watching reruns of 90210 while lounging on their couches at home. Why does everyone get a snow day but me??? So I thought it would only be appropriate on this day of sorrow (at least for moi) to share with you my top 11
“I hate it when ______ happens” moments….

11. When you are late to work and you hear the train in the station so you run down the stairs and just as you are swiping your metro card you hear that ‘ding ding’ and the doors close. You just missed it! Suddenly then you realize it will be another 10 minutes of waiting. Weekends are especially brutal.

10. When kids go under the subway turnstiles and don’t pay! Then to make matters worse they take the last seat on the train! OR you are expected to get up and give them your seat when you paid your $2!! I can pass for a kid, perhaps I should try this technique…. Jerks! I don’t care if you are 4 years old! Cough up the 2 bucks!! :)

9. When you DVR your favorite tv show and finally sit down to relax and watch it then all of a sudden the recording stops and you miss the last couple minutes! (Needless to say, I’ve had to start recording the show after Gossip Girls to ensure this would never happen again, it’s unacceptable!)

8. When you get to the laundry-mat 2 minutes late and someone is already pulling your clothes out of the dryer whether they are dry or not. Don’t worry I have indeed witnessed 2 extreme fights at Jiffy Jeff’s and it’s not pretty, I just run and hide in a corner not gonna lie. You think the OC Housewives are crazy, that’s nothing! The Queens housewives are vicious (perhaps Bravo should tape them next!).

7. When you are in the airport security line and you happen to choose the line that isn’t moving because no one was prepared. They “forgot” to take their laptops out of their bags, forgot to take their shoes off, forgot that they have to show their boarding passes and just laugh it off…. in no hurry at all. HATE that! Morons.

6. When you finally get enough motivation to hit the gym and then end up waiting 15 minutes for a machine and loose all motivation so you just leave. Well, I did go… that’s gotta count for something, right? What happened to the saying, “It’s the thought that counts.”

5. When guys see the celebrities in the magazines and drool over how ‘hot’ they are but little do they realize these women (well majority) don’t look like that in real life. I mean I wish I was air brushed in every photo (which I do attempt to do with my addiction to spray tanning but c’mon!). I wish I had a makeup artist and hair stylist every morning! Geez!! And furthermore, if I didn’t have to work all day and could afford a trainer I’d be a size 00 too, I mean honestly celebrities really have no reason to be fat at all… I’ll stop myself now, we’ll save that for another blog ;)

4. When someone emails you the dumbest question, for example (work related) when someone asks what the address and phone number is to the hotel where their boss is staying… So I simply reply, “Not sure off the top of my head, but I bet if you google it you can find out!” GRRR…

3. When people sign emails “Happy Monday!” Seriously Sally Jo, there is NOTHING happy about a freaking Monday!! Get to work!

2. When you are feeling GREAT about yourself and decide to go out that night and put on your favorite pair of jeans and they don't fit! So then you proceed to suck everything in by putting on not 1 but 2 pairs of spanx to squeeze it all in – not kidding, I did this Saturday. God bless Spanx. (Good call on this one Michelle!)

1. You wake up hung-over only to check your iphone and realize you have 11 new facebook notifications and apparently you have been drunk messaging on facebook all night long (damnit!!!!!!). As Kristan says, drunk facebook messaging is the new drunk dialing!!

Hope everyone feels my pain and has some hilariously annoying “I hate it when ______ happens” moments to add to my list. And to all of my friends on facebook enjoying your glorious day off, I hope you had a great day and that you had a nice time in your pj’s on the couch catching reruns of 90210…. Perhaps you even found yourself chanting “Donna Martin Graduates…” That’s all I really want… I’m really not a bitter person, I just really want a freakin’ snow day!!!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

I knew I was a "New Yorker" when...

They say that once you live in the “city” for 5 years you can call yourself a “New Yorker.” Until you reach that 5 year mark don’t even try it because someone is sure to knock you off that high pedestal you so proudly put yourself on. It’s an honor to be called a “New Yorker,” the title cannot be thrown around. It’s like when you are rushing to be in that ever so popular sorority your freshman year at college… you want so badly to be apart of that clique and will do anything, but until they say the word you have no shot. You have to work at it to gain THE prestigious title.

Marking my 5 1/2 year anniversary in New York I got to thinking……when did I first know that I was a “New Yorker???”

So... based on my experience living in the city here are my thoughts!

You know you’re a New Yorker when…………………

-Every morning in the Starbucks line you have your $2.11 ready to go for a grande coffee, in & out in a matter of minutes! No chit chat…

-You think that “luxury” living would be my apartment in Queens only with a dishwasher.

-You’ve never been to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Parade or to see the ball drop on New Years Eve.

-You think it’s totally normal to go through a metal detector prior to entering a nightclub (Thanks Michelle, aww memories!).

-You think $6 for a beer is a bargain.

-You think it’s totally normal to push a cart down the street to go to the laundry-mat or grocery store (I’d love to do that in Indiana, what kind of reaction would I get?? “Are you homeless woman? Get off our streets!”).

-You never ever go to a chain restaurant – you are so above that ;)

-You watch all of the movies and tv shows based in New York and know that it’s just not possible (or believable) for young people to live in Manhattan with a 1000 sq ft apartment working in fashion for $15 an hour without a hefty trust fund. Seriously Michelle said it perfectly about these shows, “Can they be a little more realistic about living in NYC? No one their age really lives that way! Instead of downtown or uptown, they should say, bridge OR tunnel!”

-In the summer you know where every single Tasty Delight in the city is located.

-When the street vendor is trying to sell you a bottle of water for $2 you tell him that you’ll give him $1 and get away with it. Everything on the street is negotiable.

-The kids no longer say “I’m going to Ann’s house” they say “I have a PLAYDATE with Ann”

-You know what a bodega is.

-In the summer time you always have a pair of flip-flops in your purse so you can change out of those high heels. Comfort is key!

-You make more money than anyone back home in the Midwest but you’re still broke!

-You would never dare to make a dinner reservation earlier than 9pm, especially on weekends.

-You ignore a stranger when they ask you for directions and pretend you didn’t hear them and then go the other way fearing for your life.

-You know that Streets and Avenues mean two completely different things.

-You realize that eating a pretzel off the street is totally normal and it’s actually really good.

-You can put your makeup on perfectly on the subway even with the sudden stops.

-You know exactly how to fold your newspaper perfectly in the subway so you aren’t in anyone’s way.

-You never order from pizza hut or from other pizza chains – it’s just not an option.

-Refer to your tennis shoes as “Sneakers.”

-You never get mad when someone is running late to meet for a bite to eat, you just enjoy a glass of wine and relax.

-You can tell by looking at a Louis Vuitton bag if it’s real or not.

-You learned not to buy tickets to events on the street because it’s 90% always a scam and you’ve experienced it 1st hand.

-You don’t smile walking down the streets and never make eye contact with anyone.

-You don’t care if you push, shove or as Susie says “throw bows’” getting on/off the subway. You will do whatever it takes to get on and off that train!

-You check craigs list everyday – who knows who has great furniture they are giving away or what great apartments are now for rent!

-You realize there is no one else running against the democratic candidate and you don’t even question it no matter what.

-You are fine with living in a shoebox apartment and 500 sq feet is considered big.

-You have to go threw 3 doors with dead-bolts to get into your apartment (yep I do!).

-You notice someone getting sick on the train and instead of finding out if he/she is okay you are just so mad that they had to get sick on YOUR train because now you’ll be late for work!!

-If someone is standing too close to you on the subway or accidentally bumps into you – you always grab your purse and check your pockets!

-You are totally fine with finding a random person off of craigslist to be your roommate (yep done that a number of times in the old place, damn actors lol!).

-The guy from the deli gives you a straw with every beverage you buy even if it’s a BEER! (HAHA Thanks Kristan!)

-You refer to NYC as “The City.”

-You never do the touristy things on your own only if your friends are in town and even then you find excuses to bail.

-You go to the store and if you have too much to carry home than you have no problem jumping in a car with a complete stranger standing outside if you give him $10 (Kat and I have done this many times leaving Cosco, eek!).

-You never ever go to Midtown unless it’s for work.

-You think an hour commute to work isn’t that bad at all.

-You own the warmest winter coat imaginable and don’t care about style as long as it is warm and down to the ground.

-You have never been to the top of the empire state building.

-A birthday party in a park is totally normal, just bring a cooler with wine (however Michelle’s mom is so anti… lol laugh every time at that story!).

-You have at least 5 cab horror stories.

-You’d never buy a Broadway ticket for full price.

-You know all of the shortcuts through buildings to get to the next street.

-You have every restaurant that delivers to your apartment programmed in your phone.

-If you’re out to eat and paying cash for your meal you never leave it on the table you hand it to the waiter.

- You answer your emails within 5 minutes and think it’s rude for someone to take a day to write you back.

I saved the best reason for last… I think my 1st friend in New York, Michelle (who is a native New Yorker), said it perfectly when she said “Honestly, I knew you were a new yorker when we went to vegas and you a) pushed a girl who spilled her drink on you and b) stole some poor mid-westerner guys poker chips, cashed it in and ran!” OOPS!!! Well I guess after 5 years and 4 months of living in the city, I can now consider myself a New Yorker! Phew!

How did YOU know you were a New Yorker???