Every New Yorker waits in great anticipation for that first real summer day in the city. Who doesn’t love to linger in the park with friends while reading the latest gossip magazines or just simply walking around the city enjoying the weather (and if you are me, eating Tasty D-Lite). There’s nothing better! Until “it” happens…. As I was lounging in the park reading my highly intelligent US Weekly, I saw “them”…yes… “they” have come out from God knows where and my thoughts suddenly turned from hoping that Britney does something crazy again (because I am so tired of hearing about that stupid couple from “Jon and Kate Plus Whatever”) to….WHAT is THAT person thinking! Does she not own a mirror? Is that guy seriously wearing those?So I thought I’d take some time to share with you my observations on who these ‘characters’ really are that suddenly come out in the summertime...
1. Flo the Overly Excited Albino – Yes Flo, we realize you couldn’t be more excited to be out and about in the summer heat… Wahoo me too, cheers… but please do us all a favor and indulge in some self-tanner before you decide it’s a good idea to blind the world with your pale (borderline albino) legs. We all have the ‘winter legs’ but please just be weary who you show. Know that mini skirts are not meant for the pale. Here’s a brilliant idea, invest $9.99 in a full size mirror because if you would have seen your reflection before gracing us with your presence then I wouldn’t be blinded today. Self-tanner + long mirror = lifesaver!
2. Tess the Hot Mess – Tess, you should probably know that wearing less is sometimes not always the best! To all you men out there, listen to me, you must take the good with the bad. Yes, hot girls are going to wear less (wahoo for you!), but know this…. The not-so-hot girls will wear even less. Brace yourself. And to the women, please know that just because everyone else is wearing less, it does not mean that rolls are cool to show off either. “Ladies, leave the rolls at the bakery...” (as Michelle would say ;)
3. Midriff Tiff– Tiff, Tiff, Tiff, just because it is 70 degrees outside does not mean that midriff shirts are okay. To all my readers in case you are unaware, I must alert you that you will never see a midriff t-shirt stretched to the absolute limit. Those shirts can stretch! I mean it just makes me sit back and imagine… what the t-shirts are saying to each other as they hang off the rack at Strawberry. I’m pretty sure it goes something like this, “Hey Tiff, $5 says you get picked up by some broad that could play offensive tackle for the Giants!” “That’s nothing Patty, I heard that chick that’s been eyeing you over there is competing in the Coney Island Hot Dog contest next week!”
4. Slop on the Flip Flop Dot – Listen up Dot, I know how excited you are to wear those new silver Havaianans flip flops, I’m excited too that they made the thin straps, however please note Rule #1 of the summertime: Flip flops should not be worn without your first initial summer pedicure. It just shouldn't happen, it’s disgusting, Peeling nail polish from January + Toe Jam = Not Cool.
5. Shorty 140 – All women know that men are mucho more aggressive in the summer time. This is highly noticeable for the (as I like to call them as per Michelle once again) “Shorty 140’s.” Why is it that short guys automatically think they can get (or have a chance with) the short girls? Seriously Sir just because you are 5’2 does not in the least bit mean that A) I have ANY interest in you what-so-ever and B) would ever touch you with a 10 ft pole. I’ll never forget when I was in Dallas last year with my best friend Amanda and the shorty’s attacked us! Why Sir! Why! We had to run to another bar and escape, it was painful! Are you not getting the point Mister? This isn't a 'chase' or any fun, quite franklyI am scared of you!! We even ran to the bathroom and when we walked out sure enough - there he was waiting for us with a scary little smirk on his face. HELP! Police!!
6. Manny and his Mandals – Dear Manny, why do you think it’s okay to wear those hideous mandals with the extravagant straps that basically look like sneakers with holes? No one wants to see your unpedicured feet and yellow toe nails! Not to mention you look absolutely ridiculous. I mean unless you’re going to be on the beach in less than 15 minutes, it’s unacceptable. If there is NO chance you will be walking on sand within the hour, do us all a favor and find alternative footwear. As the boyfriend says, “freaking Aquasocks would be a notch up!”
7. Bargain Betty - Oh Betty my dear, I love a great bargain just like you, but next time please do some research when getting that new summer dress that you think is a steal! Here’s an idea perhaps put your hand under the fabric and then put it up to the light… if it’s see through then don’t buy it! It’s that simple. I know that you can find some great deals out there, but buyers beware of the very thin fabric. It can just look terrifying to the rest of us! If you are going for that so-called “deal” then please, dear god, please chose your undergarments wisely. For the good of all man kind!
Well, I guess that does it for now. These are just a few of the so-called "characters" that I observed last weekend. What do you guys think? Who am I forgetting? C’mon!! You may all think I was a little harsh but I would call it honest. Gotta love the summer!
Ps - Michelle this blog is kindly dedicated to you. HA!
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