Subway Etiquette 101

Subway Etiquette 101

(This post is dedicated to Michelle....)

My friend once described how she gets through her daily subway experience perfectly when she said, "Julie, do what I do when the crowds are awful in the train and no one will move - it works for me everytime! Start singing in your head, Move B*tch get out of the way, get out of the way B*tch, get outta the way..." I couldn't stop laughing, but she's 100% right!

There's always a story to tell about your subway experience here in NY, but seriously let's discuss etiquette. After work yesterday I did my normal routine of going to the gym at Rockefeller Center and afterward was completely exhausted from my workout.... I ran to get on the train and there were only a couple seats left, I was so excited to get a seat (it's a huge accomplishment at rush hour). Of course the couple seats left were "occupied" by a woman's 1) purse and 2) shopping bags! What? Who does that? I kindly asked her to move her purse and she gave me all sorts of attitude! Really? Did her purse pay the $2 to get it's own seat on the train. Then the next woman walks on the train and asks this woman politely to move her shopping bags and she says "no, there's a seat open over there." Are you kidding me?!?!!

So it got me thinking, what are the rules of the subway?

New York Magazine published an interesting article announcing the "Rules of the Underground"

(1) Knees may be no more than six inches apart
(2) If you can't control your offspring, watch as a stranger does it for you
(3) What did we say about checking out the girls?

(4) The Post is only 25 cents—buy your own

(5) Holding the subway door makes everyone on the train love you

(6) As does loud music

(7) Lie down on subway only if dead.

So to add to this article, I have my own favorite subway characters to share that we've all experienced..... do you agree?

(1) THE POLE HUGGER

I think they failed to mention - STOP HUGGING THE SUBWAY POLES! When the trains are packed there is always that 1 person that hugs the pole so no one can grab on... I mean is he serious? And who wants all of those germs on you anyway. I love when they move for a second to switch songs of their ipod or reach for something and I sneak in and grab the pole with 2 hands just to let them know that is not okay to hog the freaking pole!! I don't get it - am I being too rough here?

(2) THE NOSEY NANCY

Okay so it's common knowledge that we as women check out other women - I mean my friend Susie and I talked about it and we dress up for other women, not for men... but why do you have to stare me up in down in the subway car, listen the sneakers only come on when I leave work because I have a long walk home, I swear! I don't really think white sneakers go with my black work pants, give me a break! Or what's with the people who look at your blackberry and try and read what you are texting, is my conversation debating with Kat about what's for dinner really that interesting to you? Are you serious? If you are going to go that far, please by all means share your ideas and recipes! Or how about reading the newspaper over your shoulder? Get your own!! 25 cents or better yet the Metro, it's free! Just take my advice people, close your eyes when riding on the train!

(3) THE CLASSIC JERK

So you are sitting on the train and you see a pregnant woman, elderly person or a small child get on - of course "most" peoples 1st instinct is to get right up and offer your seat to that person... Now what is with these (usually men, sorry) people who don't get up at all, or all of a sudden close their eyes and pretend they are asleep, you have got to be kidding me! Is there any decency left in this world? You are NOT sleeping!

(4) THE ALL IMPORTANT SECURITY GUARD OF THE CAR DOORS

You know when you walk into a department store and there's always a security guard standing at the door? Well, why do people take it upon themselves to "guard" the subway doors too? And to make matters worse when the doors open to let new passengers on, they never move, really Sir? Move to the middle!!! I don't get that... why is everyone so scared of the middle?!!

(5) THE MUSHY COUPLE

Save it for the bedroom!!! Why, why, why must people be all "mush" (as my friend big t would say) on the train!! There is a time and a place and it is NOT and I repeat NOT during my morning commute. Stop it with the kissing and wondering hands, no one wants to see it! Vomit! I just really don't understand why that is okay! I'm getting sick thinking of this... moving on.

(6) THE GROOMER

Last week I heard that ever so familiar sound of clipping - that annoying sound - clip, clip, clip - I 1st cringed and then looked around confused at what it was because of course no one would sink so low to actually clip their nails on the train, but oh wait! It was true... some woman was clipping away and nails were flying everywhere... then she had the nerve to start the filing. Why? Manicures are $6 in Queens - please take my money and go to get your nails done, it will save us all the pain of flying nails and that awful sound. Ps - Your nails look sick anyway, it's not helping.

(7) THE SHORTY 140 WINKER

Why? Why do short guys always think that they can get the short women? I had a case of the "Shorty 140 syndrome" in Dallas and now it's happening on the train. The classic wink, the sick thing they do with their lips, the look up and down - Gross! You have absolutely NO chance sir. Why?! Why do some guys think that giving those looks and licking those lips on a subway car will make us women drop to our knees and say, "YES! Yes! Prince Charming has arrived!! Thank you Jesus!" What a story to tell your kids on how you met there father. Ick! Again, no chance Sir so stop with your gross ways!!

Awww... there are so many "pleasant" people you experience on the subway every morning - these are just some of my personal experiences... there's always the slow mover that figures they'll get their card out when they reach the turnstile and slow everyone else up, the smelly people that grab onto the pole above you, the person that figures it's okay to sing along to their ipods out loud, the people that talk on their cell phones obnoxiously, but I guess that's what makes for some pretty great stories. I think I've perfected the "evil eye" that I give to these folks and thanks to my friend, I've moved a lot faster in the train by that simple song, "Move B*tch get out of the way...."

So the question is to you - do you have any good subway experiences and/or characters to share? Can't wait to hear!!

Perhaps I should have taken Miranda's advice:
Miranda : I had to walk all the way from the subway in these heels. My feet are killing me.

Steve : Why didn't you just carry them and wear sneakers like everyone else?

Miranda : Stop. You can take me out of Manhattan but you can't take me out of my shoes.