“I swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help me God.” Sound familiar? We’ve all heard this line a million times in movies, plays or perhaps you’ve even said it yourself in a similar scenario. Is anyone as happy as I am that we don’t have to take this oath every morning before we start our day? You know - like in that movie “Liar, Liar.” What would happen if we were asked questions and one day spit out the REAL truth instead of the “proper” answer that we all tend to routinely repeat? Well, today is the day that I am going to come clean with some of my answers and introduce to you (once again) these so-called characters who always tend to ask the obnoxious questions:
Sara, Size 0, You’re my Hero… asks:
Q: Julie, why do you never go to any of the New York beaches?
A: I’d love to sometime, but unfortunately just haven’t had the chance yet.
Truth: Do you not see that I am boarder-line albino, I get red. I go to the gym… YES, but I’d rather be in bed. I hate crunches, therefore I wear spanx. A bikini isn’t sounding too good right now, but thanks.
Paula, Miss Perky, Zip it! You sound like a turkey… asks:
Q: Are you ready to enjoy your workout today?
A: You bet!
Truth: Paula, honey, there is absolutely nothing I will enjoy about this workout. In fact, I am dreading it and would rather be sitting in a room watching paint dry. So please instead of asking me that… here’s an idea: Why not wait until I am making my exit, then suddenly pause as you see me briskfully walk by and urgently stop me and say (or shout, whatever floats your boat) “WHOA! Julie - Girl, you look like you’ve lost 5 lbs in the last hour! Holler! Your arms are looking more like Michelle Obama’s everyday!” Then my truthful answer would be, “Thanks! See you tomorrow!” Think about it.
Judy Walker, SURPRISE! You may have a stalker… asks:
Q: How did you know I got a new job?
A: Oh um… (insert long pause) you told me about it, you must have forgotten, anyway… congrats! (Insert: Fake a call on the cell and proceed to RUN!)
Truth: F*CK!!!! I’m caught. Well you see, the truth is, Judy Walker, I was drunk. I stalked your facebook profile last night at 2am, wasted.
Q: Are we even facebook friends?
Truth: Funny you should ask that, you see I stalked you under Jenny’s account – Whoops! You haven’t done that before? It’s totally normal, everyone is doing it. See you are friends with my ex and to stalk his page I have to go through your page. Hummm… okay, well… I just thought it was a great idea at the time and wanted to join in the excitement and give you the kudos like everyone else! Btw, that was a hideous pink tube top (who wears those anymore ps?) that you wore to that concert and who was the bearded guy you were making out with? Was he really taking body shots off you? You're 32 years old, you still do that? Bad decisions all around Judy Walker – shall we call a truce?
ALERT!! Dear Facebook, please do myself and every other intoxicated facebook user a favor and insert codes prior to logging on between the hours of 10pm-6am (perhaps like on Ticketmaster) to get fools (aka moi) off the thing. It’s addicting… and the next morning is the worst! Looking at your phone with one eye shut and the other open in fear of what you may have posted. Then suddenly realizing you “accidently” befriended someone with a note in which you would have never done sober & not only that, but you have 11 new facebook notifications– Really? Help! Facebook Anonymous???
Cheap devious Chuck, who skips out on a couple bucks… asks:
Q: Can my child have your seat? (sidenote: I didn’t forget to add “please” for this certain character there is never a “please”)
A: Sure
Truth: Hell no! Your little brat is almost as tall as I am! I paid 2 dollars for this seat! Why is it okay for little Sneaky Pete to go under the subway terminal and skip out of paying the fare? Then to make matters worse, this is an overcrowded train and now I have to stand and I can barely reach the pole when you didn’t even pay! H*ll no! Child Please! As Ocho Cinco would say! Can you tell I am furious? I think so.
Too damn jolly Miss Molly:
Q: Are you having a Happy Monday?
A: Oh yes.
Truth: Seriously Miss Molly? There is NOTHING happy about a freaking Monday and furthermore you have just ruined my Monday by that Patty Simcox greeting! Now because of Y-O-U I won’t get any work done because I will be going over scenarios in my head of what to do to ruin your Monday as well. Really? Really?
Terry the Tricky Temptress.. asks:
Q: Do you want fries with that?
A: No thanks.
Truth: OF COURSE I DO!!! Is that a trick question? Whoever says that they really do not want fries is a complete and utter liar. Who doesn’t love the crispy delicious salted fries especially when they are transferred from the frier to your plate and burnt to perfection? There’s nothing better than that 1st delectable taste. Terry, this is just a mean question, in fact it’s down right cruel. In the future, please do not ask that question. Listen, if I didn’t order them please… just act like they do not exist or you ran out. This is for your sake and the sake of my a$$.
Boring Bree, you have nothing to say, now I’ll be on my way… asks:
Q: How are you?
A: Good thanks.
Truth: Do you really want to know Bree? Well, I’m so mad at myself right now. Last night (and this is a true story) I was on my way to the gym. I walked in the door for 5 seconds, then turned right around and went home. Technically I “went to the gym” doesn't that count? Anyway, once home I had a couple beers, I ate a pizza and didn’t wake up until I had to the next morning... even though last night I promised myself that I’d workout at 6am. Wishful thinking. So, I’m not good and I'm a bit hungover. Let’s just give each other the ever-so-kind head nod and be on our merry ways! No need to speak, to be honest we both don’t care what the other has to say.
Sara, Size 0, You’re my Hero… asks:
Q: Julie, why do you never go to any of the New York beaches?
A: I’d love to sometime, but unfortunately just haven’t had the chance yet.
Truth: Do you not see that I am boarder-line albino, I get red. I go to the gym… YES, but I’d rather be in bed. I hate crunches, therefore I wear spanx. A bikini isn’t sounding too good right now, but thanks.
Paula, Miss Perky, Zip it! You sound like a turkey… asks:
Q: Are you ready to enjoy your workout today?
A: You bet!
Truth: Paula, honey, there is absolutely nothing I will enjoy about this workout. In fact, I am dreading it and would rather be sitting in a room watching paint dry. So please instead of asking me that… here’s an idea: Why not wait until I am making my exit, then suddenly pause as you see me briskfully walk by and urgently stop me and say (or shout, whatever floats your boat) “WHOA! Julie - Girl, you look like you’ve lost 5 lbs in the last hour! Holler! Your arms are looking more like Michelle Obama’s everyday!” Then my truthful answer would be, “Thanks! See you tomorrow!” Think about it.
Judy Walker, SURPRISE! You may have a stalker… asks:
Q: How did you know I got a new job?
A: Oh um… (insert long pause) you told me about it, you must have forgotten, anyway… congrats! (Insert: Fake a call on the cell and proceed to RUN!)
Truth: F*CK!!!! I’m caught. Well you see, the truth is, Judy Walker, I was drunk. I stalked your facebook profile last night at 2am, wasted.
Q: Are we even facebook friends?
Truth: Funny you should ask that, you see I stalked you under Jenny’s account – Whoops! You haven’t done that before? It’s totally normal, everyone is doing it. See you are friends with my ex and to stalk his page I have to go through your page. Hummm… okay, well… I just thought it was a great idea at the time and wanted to join in the excitement and give you the kudos like everyone else! Btw, that was a hideous pink tube top (who wears those anymore ps?) that you wore to that concert and who was the bearded guy you were making out with? Was he really taking body shots off you? You're 32 years old, you still do that? Bad decisions all around Judy Walker – shall we call a truce?
ALERT!! Dear Facebook, please do myself and every other intoxicated facebook user a favor and insert codes prior to logging on between the hours of 10pm-6am (perhaps like on Ticketmaster) to get fools (aka moi) off the thing. It’s addicting… and the next morning is the worst! Looking at your phone with one eye shut and the other open in fear of what you may have posted. Then suddenly realizing you “accidently” befriended someone with a note in which you would have never done sober & not only that, but you have 11 new facebook notifications– Really? Help! Facebook Anonymous???
Cheap devious Chuck, who skips out on a couple bucks… asks:
Q: Can my child have your seat? (sidenote: I didn’t forget to add “please” for this certain character there is never a “please”)
A: Sure
Truth: Hell no! Your little brat is almost as tall as I am! I paid 2 dollars for this seat! Why is it okay for little Sneaky Pete to go under the subway terminal and skip out of paying the fare? Then to make matters worse, this is an overcrowded train and now I have to stand and I can barely reach the pole when you didn’t even pay! H*ll no! Child Please! As Ocho Cinco would say! Can you tell I am furious? I think so.
Too damn jolly Miss Molly:
Q: Are you having a Happy Monday?
A: Oh yes.
Truth: Seriously Miss Molly? There is NOTHING happy about a freaking Monday and furthermore you have just ruined my Monday by that Patty Simcox greeting! Now because of Y-O-U I won’t get any work done because I will be going over scenarios in my head of what to do to ruin your Monday as well. Really? Really?
Terry the Tricky Temptress.. asks:
Q: Do you want fries with that?
A: No thanks.
Truth: OF COURSE I DO!!! Is that a trick question? Whoever says that they really do not want fries is a complete and utter liar. Who doesn’t love the crispy delicious salted fries especially when they are transferred from the frier to your plate and burnt to perfection? There’s nothing better than that 1st delectable taste. Terry, this is just a mean question, in fact it’s down right cruel. In the future, please do not ask that question. Listen, if I didn’t order them please… just act like they do not exist or you ran out. This is for your sake and the sake of my a$$.
Boring Bree, you have nothing to say, now I’ll be on my way… asks:
Q: How are you?
A: Good thanks.
Truth: Do you really want to know Bree? Well, I’m so mad at myself right now. Last night (and this is a true story) I was on my way to the gym. I walked in the door for 5 seconds, then turned right around and went home. Technically I “went to the gym” doesn't that count? Anyway, once home I had a couple beers, I ate a pizza and didn’t wake up until I had to the next morning... even though last night I promised myself that I’d workout at 6am. Wishful thinking. So, I’m not good and I'm a bit hungover. Let’s just give each other the ever-so-kind head nod and be on our merry ways! No need to speak, to be honest we both don’t care what the other has to say.
There you have it folks! The truth is out in the open. You know, I kinda feel a sense of relief now. So I have to ask… What are some of the questions that you would love to give a truthful answer to in your everyday life? And don't forget: Remember to tell the truth and the whole truth and so….. SO WHAT!
Posts
